That's Depressing . . .

I've been getting depressed at random times lately and I have no clue why. I'll be perfectly fine one moment, then the next I feel like I'm going to cry. Sometimes its for no reason, but other times its for stupid little things. There have been a few times I've teared up simply because my boyfriend was going to bed. I dont know whats wrong with me, or why I'm so emotional recently. I've never been like this before.

Okay, I take that back, I have been, but its only for like a week during that time of the month, I've been feeling like this for two or three months now, and I hate it. Its getting so fucking annoying. I get in a bad mood, and i do know why, which puts me in an even worse mood, which makes me think about so much bad shit in my life, which makes me break down and start crying.



This may relate...

Recently I feel like everything is just coming down on me... My hours got cut at work, so i work less, so i make less, so i can spend less, so i can hang out less, so i see my friends and my boyfriend less, so i feel alone more, and i get depressed more, and i cry more, and i whine about it to Mark more, and it puts him in a bad mood, which puts me in an even worse mood, because I hate it when he's in a bad mood, so i try not to get him in a bad mood, so I have to bottle up my emotions which makes it even worse when it does break through, and then i make super-long run-on sentences like this because I dont know when to stop when i start rambling when I'm in a bad mood.

I've found that I apologize for everything. Even if its not my fault, and even if I shouldnt be sorry. I feel like if people are mad, its my fault, or its my place to apologize, or try to make things right. If I complain and I get someone in a bad mood? I''m sorry. If I dont know the answer? I'm sorry. If I dont tell you what you want to hear? I'm sorry. If I'm not good enough, I'm sorry, If I'm not happy enough i'm sorry if I'm too sad I'm sorry if I can't think straight I'm sorry if I cant do anything right I'm fucking sorry.



Sometimes I hate myself.



Other times I hate every thing else.



Except Mark.

And God.



Sometimes I hate everything and everyone except Mark and God.




Right now?




I dont even know.




I'm sorry.....

I dont care if I'm whining.

I dont want to be here right now. I want to be gone from this place. Home life is really bugging me right now.

Last night I spent the night at Marks house, and I came how earlyish, because mom told me if I was gonna go with dad n get my new phone today that I would have to be home. So I came home, and dad was gone. He came home a few hours later and the parents started talking about rent money and how I hadnt payed for a while (They didnt ask, so I didnt bring it up.) and after we figured out that I owe them just over three hundred dollars, dad started talking to me about my phone, and if I wanted to pay two hundred dollars for a phone, and talking about the data plan and shit, and basically trying to talk me out of my idea. so i brought up my original idea, and he kinda shot that one down too. He told me to look through the list of phones, and find one that met my criteria that I liked.  I already did that. thats how I came up with those two in the first place! and then mom said we would have to put off me getting a new phone until next week because we had to work on flynns stupid 'family project' thing for his freaking merit badge so that he can MAYBE get his eagle scout in time. I dont care about his eagle, and from the way flynn acts about it, neither does he.

So now, my one thing I've been asking about for a week is put off for ANOTHER week (which also probably wont happen, because my classes are starting next week.), I'm sitting here with nothing to do on this stupid project, i owe my parents most of (if not ALL) my money, and I'm stuck with my old phone (which has been crapping out for the past year) for at least another week.

And on top of it all I still have the Mark thing on my mind, which hurts every time I think about it


I feel so stressed out right now.
God damnit, I just want to scream.


I need a day off from life.

I'm gonna go cry now.

Idle Thoughts Lead to Rambles

Thinking about things . . .

Mark has been thinking about moving in with Zach for a little while now, and even though neither I nor they know when that will be, it makes me excited. My boyfriend will be LESS than forty minutes away! AND eventually, once I feel like I'm financially and emotionally ready to move out, I'll be moving in with them! So I'll be able to spend every day with the man of my dreams and one of my friends (even though said friend gets on my nerves sometimes :/ )

But then i start thinking more about it and I get nervous. What if we cant afford it? What if something happens and we dont know what to do? What if spending so much time with Mark makes me start to pick out itty bitty things that I'd never noticed before that start to bug the crap out of me? What it Mark and I get annoyed with each other? What if something happens between Mark and I and we break up because of it? What if what if what if!

And on another note, my parents would never be okay with me moving in with my boyfriend before we're married. Ever. Mom is still under the assumption I'm still a virgin, and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible, but the more I think about it the more tired I get of lying to them.
~"Hey, I'm staying the night at Steph/Jazzy's"
  -when I'm really heading down to Galt.

~"Where do you sleep at Marks house?"
    "Oh, I take his bed and he sleeps on the couch"
  -yeah right. I sleep right smack dab next to him in his tiny freaking bed, usually wearing little to nothing. 

~"Dont have sex til you're 22!"
    " . . . . sure." 
  -At least be glad I waited til I was nineteen and I found the man I'm planning on marrying.

~"Get your bachelors degree before you get married!"
  -PFFT! I'll get married when I damn well please! Soon as he proposes (Whether its in a month, a year, or five), I'm making wedding plans (Hell, I do it in my head whenever I think about the future), and there is NO way I'm putting that on hold for a fucking degree. I can still go to school after I'm married!!!



I'm getting more and more tired of living at home. Yea, my parents love me and whatever, but sometimes I feel like they're being overbearing. I'm twenty years old, turning twenty one this year, and yes, I understand, Your house your rules, but they go from treating me like a 15 year old to saying I'm not taking care of all my responsibilities and that I need to be more of an adult. I realize I'm their oldest child, and we're all just figuring it out as we go along, but please, start making up your mind. Can I be an adult and make my own decisions? or am I gonna be a child, kept under the wing until I'm thrust out of the nest?

I love my family dearly, but I feel like I have to do so much more around the house than Flynn. Yeah, I know he has school and whatever, but I will too in about a week, and whats gonna happen to all the crap around the house then? I'll be at school almost more than Flynn will, plus however much fckin homework i get! Absolutely nothing will get done, and my parents will complain about it, and they'll blame me and my brother, even though we're gonna be gone at school all day (and most of the night for me) while dads gone away at work for a day and a half at a time, and Mom gets to sit around the house all day and do basically nothing.


Sigh.

I think I need a relax day.

Started Shit Anyway

Keep in mind that this is over and done with and i dont want to argue about it anymore. We're past this now, but I just want to get it off my chest

So i was doing a "lms n i'll post a confession" thing on facebook, cuz I was bored, and I was kinda gettin into it, and being brave (Kind of) So I posted one that said "My closest friends are some of the most antagonistic people I know" becasue its true. and then Steph, one of my best friends, commented with something along the lines of  'that really hurt' and i was sitting at Marks house when I read that. My immediate thought was to reply with 'well its true. How else to you want me to phrase it' but Mark, being the awesome boyfriend that he is, convinced me not to start drama over facebook. So instead, I posted another confession: "I am a coward and wont tell a certain person something face to face because I'm afraid it will break their heart" While thinking about Steph, because there was so much stuff she would do that just bugged the crap out of me, and I hadnt told her any of it, because I know how she likes to take things the wrong way and blow them out of proportion. But I wasnt just gonna out of the blue go up to her and be like "Hey, when you do this, i get mad" or whatever because I know I'm her best friend, and that would hurt her a hell of a lot.

Then she asked me about it. I knew I was gonna start stuff when I put that up, but I wasnt really sure how to deal with it. So at first I acted confused (Yes, i lied when I asked what you meant, steph. I was stalling, trying to think of how to say stuff), but when she kept pressing I finally blurted it out. a list of things she does that just annoys me so much. I didnt tell her everything (Because my mind goes blank when I try to think of things realy fast, and my text mesage wouldnt hold that much) so there are still a few things I havent said, but at this point I dont think I need to say them anymore.

So we argued back and forth for a while before we finally just said we're done. I dont know if either of us felt like we won. I know I didnt. I felt like shit because I made her feel like shit, because thats how I am. I'm empathetic (or sympathetic, or whichever it is) to all of my friends. If they're emotional, I'm emotional. For good or for bad. So i felt like absolute SHIT after that argument. I'm glad I was still at Marks house, because in the middle of it I started crying my eyes out.
He kept telling me it wasnt my fault and that it needed to be said, but I stil felt like I should've held it in longer. Just put up with it for a little longer. Just try to ignore the twinge of annoyance whenever it cropped up. But if I'd done that it probably would've made it even worse.

Most of the things I told her about were just little things, but there was so much, and it was the same little thing time and time again that made it bug me so fucking much. If I'd waited I probably would've blown up so much bigger.


Anyway. We're pretty much back to normal now. We arent yet, but thats because I havent seen her yet, and I still have to giver her a freaking BEAR HUG! Because I feel that only hugs are the real, absolute END to an argument. Because I do love my Stephie. So much. She's one of my best friends, and She's been my closest friend the longest (We met when I was in 4th grade, yo.)  and she needs me in her life, and I need her in my life.
After all, What are best friends for?

Life, Love, Mark

Where to start... I havent posted anything up here since like . . . . June, I think.

Anyway, the Oregon thing with Mark never happened, because he was getting sick of being around Ethan nonstop for only a week, so he decided against it. Mark was also thinking about the Navy for a while. He wants to play trumpet in the navy band. I'm fairly certain he decided against that too, though.
For a while I was getting worried because he was focusing so much on the future, I felt like he was gonna end up messing something up with what he has now. I talked to him about it a while ago, and he told me that everything he's been thinking about doing has all been for me. If it wasnt for me he'd be working part time and just fishing every day. But because he has me he's working full-time, and planning for the future so that he'll be able to support me and eventually a family.  I cannot even tell you how happy it made me when he told me that. He's also told me he plans on spending the rest of his life with me, and that he would do everything in his power to make sure it happens. I'm absolutely thrilled to say I have the same plan in mind.

I feel like I have to point out, I've only been together with Mark since November 2010 (Less than a month til our anniversary :3 ) and yet I already know for a fact I want to marry this boy. But I cant help but feel anxious that this isnt actually gonna happen. I have a horrible fear that he'll look at me one day and say, "I lied. I dont actually love you. We're done" and walk away. I know he's not the kind of guy to do ar say something like that, but I'm always gonna be afraid of that. If he left, I dont know what I'd do. He's become the center of my life, and one of the only reasons I want to do anything anymore, just like he says I'm his only reason for doing anything besides surviving.

He asked me if I wanted to move in with him. I would be ecstatic to move in with him, except he lives in Galt, and I have school and work here in Rancho Cordova. The fact that he lives with his dad n step-mom doesnt really help the fact either. Not that I dont like being around them, its just that I've made my life here, and making a 40 minute commute every day (especially to work, where I have to be at 5 in the morning) would kill my car, and probably me as well. I told him this, and he understands. He's just itching to get to the future faster than it'll get here. He's doing so much so that he can make a life with me and I think it's absolutely amazing and I love him SO much for it.

Theres always that nagging fear that something will go wrong, though . . . .

Fuck you Oregon, you can't have him!

So, My boyfriend is probably going to be moving to Oregon. In like two months.
Nothing ios officially set in stone yet, but he's liking the idea more and more the more he talks to his friend Ethan about it. His friend is the whole reason for this. Ethan's moving up there to live with his uncle for some reason, and he invited my boy to go with him. and Mark, being Mark, and having issues with school, and hating his job, and wanting to get out of california allltogether, is really leaning towards moving with him.

We've been talking about it, and I know he would love for me to go with him, but I dont know what I'm gonna do. I just got a job here, and all my other friends are here, and everything I know and love is here. except HE wont be. I love this boy more than anything, i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and I dont know what the fuck I'm gonna do if he moves.
It seems like my only options right now are to lose him, or lose everything else...
We kinda talked about that too. He doesnt want to pressure me into doing anything i dont want to, but I'm tempted to take up his offer. Not immediately, but eventually. He said I could move up there in a year and it would be fine. Okay, I think I could do that. it gives me a year to save up money, and start packing and whatever. But I'm worried about the meantime. I already only get to see this boy maybe once or twice a week, what'll it be like if he lives in FUCKING OREGON?! I know he said we could still see eachother like once a week, he could drive down, or I could take the train, but is that really gonna work? he barely drives up when he lives 40 minutes away. is he really gonna want to make the drive when its five fucking hours?
I cried last night. For the first time in i dont even know how long. I actually cried. it hurt like hell, and I dont feel any better afterward.

I'm scared. I dont know what I'm gonna do. I really dont.

Valentines

So, y'all remember when I said my best friend was separated from her boyfriend? Yeah, So they officially broke up. On Valentines Day, no less. So she had an absolutely horrible V-day, which made me feel kinda guilty for having such an awesome one.

My amazing boyfriend bought me a betta for V-day. He's such a dork, but I love him so much. Anyway, so he got the little dude (Who I named Checkers(because I have a cat named Chess, so they're Chess and Checkers)) all set up, n then we went to go see a movie (Just Go With It which was great, btw) and then we went back to my house n hung out for a while, ate dinner with my family, n then I stayed the night at his house. It was awesome! ^-^

Anyway. Things are gonna be weird in the group now... Our two main members are split up, and its gona make everything awkward. I know things wont go back to normal any time soon (Or maybe ever) but I guess we'll figure things out as we go along.

Another thing? A year ago I never would've believed anyone that said I would be in a relationship while Steph and Jazzy were single. Never ever woulda believed em.  Now that it's true, though, I dont know if I even want to believe it...

Relationships

My best friend just separated from her boyfriend of over three years. They're still technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but they're taking a break from each other for a while (Two weeks I think she said). I really dont know how they're gonna get through this. Especially since they work together in a tiny little office. They've been together for over three freaking years. I don't think they even KNOW how to live without each other.

I was in class when it actually happened, but my other best friend was there for her, which I'm really glad for. I'm sitting at her house right now, watching the first best friend watch Jersey Shore to cheer herself up (And thats a great show to do it too. It's the kind of show that makes you feel so glad that you're NOT them!) I'm really glad she's laughing and having a good time right now, and I really hope she figures something out soon.


Thinking about them and how many issues they've had within their relationship, It makes me SO glad that I get along so well with my own boyfriend. I've been going out with him for almost three months (and yeah, I KNOW thats almost NOTHING compared to so much) and I've had absolutely NO fights with him (well, I mean we have little arguments about nothing, but thats mostly flirting) In that same period of time, these two have had multiple huge blow-outs where he's told me he's thinking of breaking up with her, and she's seriously afraid that he's gonna get rid of her. I feel SO blessed to have my boy, and I love him SO much, and I love the fact that he loves me too. I feel so happy, but I also feel really bad for my friend because she isn't having nearly as good a life as I am right now...

I love her so much, and I really hope they make it through this, even though I'm thinking they probably wont... I think they've pushed this thing to about as far as it'll go. Unfortunately, I think the only reason they WONT actually break up with each other is the fact that they're both afraid of trying to get through life alone. And that's REALLY not a good reason to stay in a relationship

I hope they figure things out. One way or the other.