I'm pathetic

I am seriously pathetic. Today is Halloween. I have no plans, and I'm not going out tonight.

Originally I was going to hang out with Mark, but he decided to go home after class instead of coming over, so that didn't work. Steph and Jazzy went to the club tonight and invited me, but I have work at 6 tomorrow, so that's a no-go. Bailey and Allie invited me to a party with them, But again with the work thing. Katelyn offered to steal me away, but at that point I was already settled into my lazy, self-pity party and watching TV, so I declined that offer too.

So basically my point is that once I get in a bad mood, I think I want to stay in a bad mood. People try to cheer me up and I refuse. Its like I'm just holding on so tightly to my horrid mood for some reason and I don't want to get out of it. Maybe because its an emotion I'm not used to. But that cant be right. I feel like this way too often to not be used to it. And its not because I feel void of emotion usually so I try to hold onto whatever I can. I feel so many emotions, and I cant even identify all of them sometimes. I don't know. I don't know whats wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.

And don't start feeling sorry for me and try to come cheer me up.

I'll probably refuse that help too.

That's Depressing . . .

I've been getting depressed at random times lately and I have no clue why. I'll be perfectly fine one moment, then the next I feel like I'm going to cry. Sometimes its for no reason, but other times its for stupid little things. There have been a few times I've teared up simply because my boyfriend was going to bed. I dont know whats wrong with me, or why I'm so emotional recently. I've never been like this before.

Okay, I take that back, I have been, but its only for like a week during that time of the month, I've been feeling like this for two or three months now, and I hate it. Its getting so fucking annoying. I get in a bad mood, and i do know why, which puts me in an even worse mood, which makes me think about so much bad shit in my life, which makes me break down and start crying.



This may relate...

Recently I feel like everything is just coming down on me... My hours got cut at work, so i work less, so i make less, so i can spend less, so i can hang out less, so i see my friends and my boyfriend less, so i feel alone more, and i get depressed more, and i cry more, and i whine about it to Mark more, and it puts him in a bad mood, which puts me in an even worse mood, because I hate it when he's in a bad mood, so i try not to get him in a bad mood, so I have to bottle up my emotions which makes it even worse when it does break through, and then i make super-long run-on sentences like this because I dont know when to stop when i start rambling when I'm in a bad mood.

I've found that I apologize for everything. Even if its not my fault, and even if I shouldnt be sorry. I feel like if people are mad, its my fault, or its my place to apologize, or try to make things right. If I complain and I get someone in a bad mood? I''m sorry. If I dont know the answer? I'm sorry. If I dont tell you what you want to hear? I'm sorry. If I'm not good enough, I'm sorry, If I'm not happy enough i'm sorry if I'm too sad I'm sorry if I can't think straight I'm sorry if I cant do anything right I'm fucking sorry.



Sometimes I hate myself.



Other times I hate every thing else.



Except Mark.

And God.



Sometimes I hate everything and everyone except Mark and God.




Right now?




I dont even know.




I'm sorry.....

Bored and Muse-less

I really REALLY want to post something right now, but I have no idea what to write about......

I dont care if I'm whining.

I dont want to be here right now. I want to be gone from this place. Home life is really bugging me right now.

Last night I spent the night at Marks house, and I came how earlyish, because mom told me if I was gonna go with dad n get my new phone today that I would have to be home. So I came home, and dad was gone. He came home a few hours later and the parents started talking about rent money and how I hadnt payed for a while (They didnt ask, so I didnt bring it up.) and after we figured out that I owe them just over three hundred dollars, dad started talking to me about my phone, and if I wanted to pay two hundred dollars for a phone, and talking about the data plan and shit, and basically trying to talk me out of my idea. so i brought up my original idea, and he kinda shot that one down too. He told me to look through the list of phones, and find one that met my criteria that I liked.  I already did that. thats how I came up with those two in the first place! and then mom said we would have to put off me getting a new phone until next week because we had to work on flynns stupid 'family project' thing for his freaking merit badge so that he can MAYBE get his eagle scout in time. I dont care about his eagle, and from the way flynn acts about it, neither does he.

So now, my one thing I've been asking about for a week is put off for ANOTHER week (which also probably wont happen, because my classes are starting next week.), I'm sitting here with nothing to do on this stupid project, i owe my parents most of (if not ALL) my money, and I'm stuck with my old phone (which has been crapping out for the past year) for at least another week.

And on top of it all I still have the Mark thing on my mind, which hurts every time I think about it


I feel so stressed out right now.
God damnit, I just want to scream.


I need a day off from life.

I'm gonna go cry now.

Idle Thoughts Lead to Rambles

Thinking about things . . .

Mark has been thinking about moving in with Zach for a little while now, and even though neither I nor they know when that will be, it makes me excited. My boyfriend will be LESS than forty minutes away! AND eventually, once I feel like I'm financially and emotionally ready to move out, I'll be moving in with them! So I'll be able to spend every day with the man of my dreams and one of my friends (even though said friend gets on my nerves sometimes :/ )

But then i start thinking more about it and I get nervous. What if we cant afford it? What if something happens and we dont know what to do? What if spending so much time with Mark makes me start to pick out itty bitty things that I'd never noticed before that start to bug the crap out of me? What it Mark and I get annoyed with each other? What if something happens between Mark and I and we break up because of it? What if what if what if!

And on another note, my parents would never be okay with me moving in with my boyfriend before we're married. Ever. Mom is still under the assumption I'm still a virgin, and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible, but the more I think about it the more tired I get of lying to them.
~"Hey, I'm staying the night at Steph/Jazzy's"
  -when I'm really heading down to Galt.

~"Where do you sleep at Marks house?"
    "Oh, I take his bed and he sleeps on the couch"
  -yeah right. I sleep right smack dab next to him in his tiny freaking bed, usually wearing little to nothing. 

~"Dont have sex til you're 22!"
    " . . . . sure." 
  -At least be glad I waited til I was nineteen and I found the man I'm planning on marrying.

~"Get your bachelors degree before you get married!"
  -PFFT! I'll get married when I damn well please! Soon as he proposes (Whether its in a month, a year, or five), I'm making wedding plans (Hell, I do it in my head whenever I think about the future), and there is NO way I'm putting that on hold for a fucking degree. I can still go to school after I'm married!!!



I'm getting more and more tired of living at home. Yea, my parents love me and whatever, but sometimes I feel like they're being overbearing. I'm twenty years old, turning twenty one this year, and yes, I understand, Your house your rules, but they go from treating me like a 15 year old to saying I'm not taking care of all my responsibilities and that I need to be more of an adult. I realize I'm their oldest child, and we're all just figuring it out as we go along, but please, start making up your mind. Can I be an adult and make my own decisions? or am I gonna be a child, kept under the wing until I'm thrust out of the nest?

I love my family dearly, but I feel like I have to do so much more around the house than Flynn. Yeah, I know he has school and whatever, but I will too in about a week, and whats gonna happen to all the crap around the house then? I'll be at school almost more than Flynn will, plus however much fckin homework i get! Absolutely nothing will get done, and my parents will complain about it, and they'll blame me and my brother, even though we're gonna be gone at school all day (and most of the night for me) while dads gone away at work for a day and a half at a time, and Mom gets to sit around the house all day and do basically nothing.


Sigh.

I think I need a relax day.