Started Shit Anyway

Keep in mind that this is over and done with and i dont want to argue about it anymore. We're past this now, but I just want to get it off my chest

So i was doing a "lms n i'll post a confession" thing on facebook, cuz I was bored, and I was kinda gettin into it, and being brave (Kind of) So I posted one that said "My closest friends are some of the most antagonistic people I know" becasue its true. and then Steph, one of my best friends, commented with something along the lines of  'that really hurt' and i was sitting at Marks house when I read that. My immediate thought was to reply with 'well its true. How else to you want me to phrase it' but Mark, being the awesome boyfriend that he is, convinced me not to start drama over facebook. So instead, I posted another confession: "I am a coward and wont tell a certain person something face to face because I'm afraid it will break their heart" While thinking about Steph, because there was so much stuff she would do that just bugged the crap out of me, and I hadnt told her any of it, because I know how she likes to take things the wrong way and blow them out of proportion. But I wasnt just gonna out of the blue go up to her and be like "Hey, when you do this, i get mad" or whatever because I know I'm her best friend, and that would hurt her a hell of a lot.

Then she asked me about it. I knew I was gonna start stuff when I put that up, but I wasnt really sure how to deal with it. So at first I acted confused (Yes, i lied when I asked what you meant, steph. I was stalling, trying to think of how to say stuff), but when she kept pressing I finally blurted it out. a list of things she does that just annoys me so much. I didnt tell her everything (Because my mind goes blank when I try to think of things realy fast, and my text mesage wouldnt hold that much) so there are still a few things I havent said, but at this point I dont think I need to say them anymore.

So we argued back and forth for a while before we finally just said we're done. I dont know if either of us felt like we won. I know I didnt. I felt like shit because I made her feel like shit, because thats how I am. I'm empathetic (or sympathetic, or whichever it is) to all of my friends. If they're emotional, I'm emotional. For good or for bad. So i felt like absolute SHIT after that argument. I'm glad I was still at Marks house, because in the middle of it I started crying my eyes out.
He kept telling me it wasnt my fault and that it needed to be said, but I stil felt like I should've held it in longer. Just put up with it for a little longer. Just try to ignore the twinge of annoyance whenever it cropped up. But if I'd done that it probably would've made it even worse.

Most of the things I told her about were just little things, but there was so much, and it was the same little thing time and time again that made it bug me so fucking much. If I'd waited I probably would've blown up so much bigger.


Anyway. We're pretty much back to normal now. We arent yet, but thats because I havent seen her yet, and I still have to giver her a freaking BEAR HUG! Because I feel that only hugs are the real, absolute END to an argument. Because I do love my Stephie. So much. She's one of my best friends, and She's been my closest friend the longest (We met when I was in 4th grade, yo.)  and she needs me in her life, and I need her in my life.
After all, What are best friends for?

NOT starting shit

I feel like I should write more right now, but I dont really know what to talk about.

Okay, I do know what I want to talk about but I know it would start shit, and i really dont want to do that right now...

so yeah. Here's me NOT starting shit.

Bye

Life, Love, Mark

Where to start... I havent posted anything up here since like . . . . June, I think.

Anyway, the Oregon thing with Mark never happened, because he was getting sick of being around Ethan nonstop for only a week, so he decided against it. Mark was also thinking about the Navy for a while. He wants to play trumpet in the navy band. I'm fairly certain he decided against that too, though.
For a while I was getting worried because he was focusing so much on the future, I felt like he was gonna end up messing something up with what he has now. I talked to him about it a while ago, and he told me that everything he's been thinking about doing has all been for me. If it wasnt for me he'd be working part time and just fishing every day. But because he has me he's working full-time, and planning for the future so that he'll be able to support me and eventually a family.  I cannot even tell you how happy it made me when he told me that. He's also told me he plans on spending the rest of his life with me, and that he would do everything in his power to make sure it happens. I'm absolutely thrilled to say I have the same plan in mind.

I feel like I have to point out, I've only been together with Mark since November 2010 (Less than a month til our anniversary :3 ) and yet I already know for a fact I want to marry this boy. But I cant help but feel anxious that this isnt actually gonna happen. I have a horrible fear that he'll look at me one day and say, "I lied. I dont actually love you. We're done" and walk away. I know he's not the kind of guy to do ar say something like that, but I'm always gonna be afraid of that. If he left, I dont know what I'd do. He's become the center of my life, and one of the only reasons I want to do anything anymore, just like he says I'm his only reason for doing anything besides surviving.

He asked me if I wanted to move in with him. I would be ecstatic to move in with him, except he lives in Galt, and I have school and work here in Rancho Cordova. The fact that he lives with his dad n step-mom doesnt really help the fact either. Not that I dont like being around them, its just that I've made my life here, and making a 40 minute commute every day (especially to work, where I have to be at 5 in the morning) would kill my car, and probably me as well. I told him this, and he understands. He's just itching to get to the future faster than it'll get here. He's doing so much so that he can make a life with me and I think it's absolutely amazing and I love him SO much for it.

Theres always that nagging fear that something will go wrong, though . . . .

Work, work, work.

Working at 5 am kinda sucks, but I get paid a little extra, because its earlier than normal hours, so thats a good thing. I actually kinda like my job. but i'm stil probationary, and I've come in late twice, and i've called in sick twice, and I've had a no-call no-show once (i didnt know i was working TT^TT) and so I'm at a risk of losing my job. I really REALLY hope that doesnt happen, cus i need the money....

so yeah.

just felt like letting you know...

Can I have a re-do?

I feel like such a bitch right now.
Last night I went to a party with a shit ton of my friends, and everyone got drunk and was having a great time, and then people started making out with each other, and everyone else, and whatnot, and so, being drunk, and in the heat of the moment, i gave a couple of my guy friends a peck on the lips. Then I told Mark. I immediately felt HELLA FUCKING HORRIBLE about kissing either of them. I apologized so much, and I started crying a few times because of it.
Mark said he forgives me and that he still loves me with al his heart, and just not to do it again, but I still feel horrible. He says he's not mad, and everyone kept telling me that he forgave me and that I shouldnt worry about it anymore, but i still feel so fucking bad about it.
I wish i could take it back and never do it ever.

Shit. Flynn was reading over my shoulder as I typed this and I dont know how much he read or how much he'll tell mom.

FUCK! I just want to rewind and start over!

Fuck you Oregon, you can't have him!

So, My boyfriend is probably going to be moving to Oregon. In like two months.
Nothing ios officially set in stone yet, but he's liking the idea more and more the more he talks to his friend Ethan about it. His friend is the whole reason for this. Ethan's moving up there to live with his uncle for some reason, and he invited my boy to go with him. and Mark, being Mark, and having issues with school, and hating his job, and wanting to get out of california allltogether, is really leaning towards moving with him.

We've been talking about it, and I know he would love for me to go with him, but I dont know what I'm gonna do. I just got a job here, and all my other friends are here, and everything I know and love is here. except HE wont be. I love this boy more than anything, i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and I dont know what the fuck I'm gonna do if he moves.
It seems like my only options right now are to lose him, or lose everything else...
We kinda talked about that too. He doesnt want to pressure me into doing anything i dont want to, but I'm tempted to take up his offer. Not immediately, but eventually. He said I could move up there in a year and it would be fine. Okay, I think I could do that. it gives me a year to save up money, and start packing and whatever. But I'm worried about the meantime. I already only get to see this boy maybe once or twice a week, what'll it be like if he lives in FUCKING OREGON?! I know he said we could still see eachother like once a week, he could drive down, or I could take the train, but is that really gonna work? he barely drives up when he lives 40 minutes away. is he really gonna want to make the drive when its five fucking hours?
I cried last night. For the first time in i dont even know how long. I actually cried. it hurt like hell, and I dont feel any better afterward.

I'm scared. I dont know what I'm gonna do. I really dont.

Valentines

So, y'all remember when I said my best friend was separated from her boyfriend? Yeah, So they officially broke up. On Valentines Day, no less. So she had an absolutely horrible V-day, which made me feel kinda guilty for having such an awesome one.

My amazing boyfriend bought me a betta for V-day. He's such a dork, but I love him so much. Anyway, so he got the little dude (Who I named Checkers(because I have a cat named Chess, so they're Chess and Checkers)) all set up, n then we went to go see a movie (Just Go With It which was great, btw) and then we went back to my house n hung out for a while, ate dinner with my family, n then I stayed the night at his house. It was awesome! ^-^

Anyway. Things are gonna be weird in the group now... Our two main members are split up, and its gona make everything awkward. I know things wont go back to normal any time soon (Or maybe ever) but I guess we'll figure things out as we go along.

Another thing? A year ago I never would've believed anyone that said I would be in a relationship while Steph and Jazzy were single. Never ever woulda believed em.  Now that it's true, though, I dont know if I even want to believe it...

Relationships

My best friend just separated from her boyfriend of over three years. They're still technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but they're taking a break from each other for a while (Two weeks I think she said). I really dont know how they're gonna get through this. Especially since they work together in a tiny little office. They've been together for over three freaking years. I don't think they even KNOW how to live without each other.

I was in class when it actually happened, but my other best friend was there for her, which I'm really glad for. I'm sitting at her house right now, watching the first best friend watch Jersey Shore to cheer herself up (And thats a great show to do it too. It's the kind of show that makes you feel so glad that you're NOT them!) I'm really glad she's laughing and having a good time right now, and I really hope she figures something out soon.


Thinking about them and how many issues they've had within their relationship, It makes me SO glad that I get along so well with my own boyfriend. I've been going out with him for almost three months (and yeah, I KNOW thats almost NOTHING compared to so much) and I've had absolutely NO fights with him (well, I mean we have little arguments about nothing, but thats mostly flirting) In that same period of time, these two have had multiple huge blow-outs where he's told me he's thinking of breaking up with her, and she's seriously afraid that he's gonna get rid of her. I feel SO blessed to have my boy, and I love him SO much, and I love the fact that he loves me too. I feel so happy, but I also feel really bad for my friend because she isn't having nearly as good a life as I am right now...

I love her so much, and I really hope they make it through this, even though I'm thinking they probably wont... I think they've pushed this thing to about as far as it'll go. Unfortunately, I think the only reason they WONT actually break up with each other is the fact that they're both afraid of trying to get through life alone. And that's REALLY not a good reason to stay in a relationship

I hope they figure things out. One way or the other.

Editing

I really wish I knew how to edit my posts once I actually post them. -_-#

I forgot to give my last entry a title, so it shows up in the sidebar as the first sentence dotdotdot. It's annoying the living bajeesus outta me, especially since theres a typo in it.

Sigh. I'll prolly figure it out one day

EDIT: I totally figured it out right after I posted this. Thank you, God, for listening to my idiotic ramblings!

Job Hunt

Looking for a job sucks right now. I dont know why, and I dont really care, either. I just know that its affecting me and the ones I love. I really dont like the fact that I NEED a job, but I know I do. Maybe it's just because I'm lazy, I dont know...

I liked the last job I had (which was also the first one I had...) I got to work for the freaking Census Bureau (and you have no idea how much I have to think every time I try to spell that word. Bureau. It gives me issues.) Anyway, It was freaking awesome! I got paid fifteen dollars and hour, and I got fifty cents for every mile I had to drive! It was awesome, especially when I had to drive like fifty miles in a day.

Now I'm reminiscing n i just miss my job even more, and I'm not looking forward to a new one. I dont want to work fast food, and I dont really want to work retail, either...

I guess I'm just complaining now...

o well.

At least I'm alive

Copy Cat

So I just got a blogspot. I also just got a xanga account. I posted on that one first, and I like that original post, so I'm just gonna copy n paste it here (Thus the title :P)

"Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Xanga... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!" "

Thats what the thing said anyway. I didnt know whether I wanted to keep it or not, so I just figured I'd add onto it. Truthfully, I dont care whether you comment or message or whatever me. Mostly this is just gonna be a place for me to express myself n whatever. It's gonna let me be [mostly] anonymous, which will give me the freedom to actually WANT to speak my mind without worrying about what other people will think. I think I worry too much about what people think. Or what I thik people will think. Even though it doesnt even matter because I'll probably never see them again anyway. Strangers. Not my friends. my friends will actually do the crazy stuff and say insane things with me. But . . . This is a place to be anonymous from them too. It's a place to be able to speak about how my thoughts differ from theirs, and for me to say whether I think they're wrong or not. I can say whatever the fuck I want here because this is for me. Its not for anyone else, and it shouldnt be. This is for me and only me. and if people have a problem with that then they can stop reading and just forget they ever found this page. I would be fine with that.

Sorry I said 'fuck' . . .

twice... kinda.