I figure no one will read this, but it will make me feel better to write it out.
(typing on a phone so autocorrect may fuck me over)
I went back and read all my previous blogs just now and aside from cringing at myself, the main thing that jumped out at me was noticing the early stages of mental illness.
In the past couple years I've realized that I have anxiety and depression, and going back over these early posts just highlighted it. Yep, that's depression, that one is anxiety, depression, depression, anxiety again!
This is something I've dealt with for a long time without even realizing it. It's steadily gotten worse as my life has continued and gotten more complicated, but it's been there for years...
Mark and I are married now. The stress of wedding planning actually made my mental health worse, and now sometimes I have panic attacks. Only a couple so far... The first one, my chest got tight, and i felt like I could barely breathe.
I had one today. It stemmed from anxiety thoughts to sensory overload to panic mode. Everything was loud and textures were too much. I noticed that I have to move my hands when it happens, rubbing my fingers together or flapping them like I'm trying to get rid of excess water
I just now realized that that's a thing that I do when I get anxious too.
Mark is trying to understand. And he wants me to get professional help, but I don't even know where to start. We're going to try to work on that on Monday.
I'm hoping that writing my thoughts down will help me in some way.
We'll see what happens.
